By Jennifer Lee
We Democrats have reached the end of our tether. It’s time for the DNC and Debbie Wasserman-Schultz to pull the plug on the maudlin tragedy that is the presidential campaign of Bernie Sanders. Debbie, you are really such a very sweet lady, I am sure you must cringe at the thought of such an unpleasant task, so I decided to help you out:
Dear Senator Sanders,
You LOST the election and your behavior leading up to that point has been the most deplorable we have seen in many decades. You have STOLEN data from another candidate, incited your supporters to perpetrate bullying against our honest, hardworking loyal Democratic Party voters as they tried to hear other candidates speak or attend caucuses, you have published contact data of superdelegates and instructed your followers to harass them, you have denigrated our beloved civil rights heroes, you have shown contempt and disrespect toward the advocacy groups who have supported us throughout our lives, and you have even attacked the President of the United States!
We have been more than patient with your antics, forgiving you time and time again. We have endured your insults and attacks on our character for months, hoping you would eventually register the complaints about this conduct and behave in a more civilized manner. Instead, you were emboldened by our lack of retaliation, and continued with more aggressive and uglier attacks, often recycling GOP-manufactured smears, lies, and hackneyed talking points. We gritted our teeth, knowing the end of the primary race was near, and you would soon concede and endorse Hillary.
Instead, you decided to deny your loss and defy reality, and that leaves us in an especially unpleasant position. Owing to the fact that your actions have all been in bad faith up to this point, we have no reason to believe you will keep any kind of a bargain. Such discussions will therefore cease. Your endorsement no longer has any value to our nominee, as your hostile demeanor and deceitful dealings with the Democratic Party throughout this election cycle do not represent the ethics of a person whose endorsement would enhance the standing of the recipient in any conceivable way.
Furthermore, Senator, you and your wife have indicated you intend to start a new party based on your own democratic socialist ideology. It is therefore incumbent upon the Democratic Party to protect our election process from sabotage intended to weaken our own candidates against those that your new party plans to promote in future elections. All of your demands are hereby solidly REJECTED. We will keep the superdelegate system in place as is, we will work with state Democratic leaders to close all primary elections, and caucuses will be eliminated. Non-Democrats will never again be allowed to run on our party’s ticket.
Regarding the Democratic Party’s Platform Committee, you will guarantee a cancellation of all protests and plans of disruption at the convention or you and your selected committee members will be removed from the committee. You have 24 hours to comply. Failure to persuade your protesters to turn in their demonstration permits will result in your being banned from attending the convention. Violence and THREATS of violence will not be tolerated by the Democratic Party. We won’t be holding our breath waiting for your response.
I’m still here- suck it, loser!